15 Succinct Jokes That Really Make You Think

It can be hard to get your gears turning first thing in the morning. Perhaps apiping hot cup of wordplaywill do the trick…

15 Rita Mae Brown Says Statistically Speaking, You’re the Crazy One

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.”

14 Robert Benchley Asks: Who Rescued Whomst?

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”

13 Oscar Wilde, God-Tier Nudge

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

12 Dorothy Parker Says Only the Good Die Poor

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.”

11 Quentin Crisp Says Be the Jones You Want to See in the World

“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”

10 Andy Field on Meal Prep

“Planning meals in advance, now that’s some food forethought.”

9 Izzy Mant on the Addictive Nature of Literature

“They say some people ‘inhale books.’ I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.”

8 Ian Smith on the Only Union-Proof Industry

“I bet there’s never any workers’ strikes at a stress-ball factory.”

7 Andy Field Loves His Friends Unconditionally (Some Conditions Apply)

“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.”

6 Jake Lambert, Cowboy’s Apprentice

“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’”

5 Cam Spence’s Hard-Earned Dad Bod

“I’m pleased to be getting a beer belly. I’ve always wanted a father figure.”

4 Doug Larson Knows Sometimes Your Best Friend Is Your Biggest Detractor

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”

3 Joan Rivers on Fortune’s Locksmith

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

2 G.K. Chesterton Clearly Has Made an Enemy in His HOA

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies. Probably because they’re generally the same people.”

1 Mark Twain Says Keep Your Broke Friends at Bay

“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime — if not asked to lend money.”

Get more Cracked directly to your inbox. Sign up for Cracked newsletters at Cracked News Letters Signup.

Like our content? Follow us for more