Am I Expressing Empathy, or Making It About Me?

Judith Martin, Miss Manners

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When friends or co-workers tell me about personal problems or physical issues they are experiencing, and I have had similar issues, I’m at a loss as to whether I should share my experience.

I have often been through the same thing they are describing, or I know someone who has, and I have relayed those experiences in the past. What I am hoping to do is put the person at ease, knowing that others have experienced the same thing, or to pass along some tips for dealing with their situation. Recently, though, I feel as if responding this way is like one-upping them or trying to turn the attention on myself.

At some point in my life, I was instructed to try to relate to the other person when listening, so I suppose that is where the impulse comes from. Any advice for relaying compassion without seeming self-centered?

GENTLE READER: It is indeed a fine line, and crossing it often leads to unsolicited anecdotes and advice -- and not necessarily the good or relevant kind. If you are a good listener, express empathy and allude to a presumably happier experience, Miss Manners is confident that the bereft person who wants to hear about it will ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment above an elderly woman to whom I have grown very attached in the years we’ve been neighbors. She has been in poor health over the last couple of years. I was always told that it’s rude to look in people's windows when passing by, but I feel conflicted when it comes to my neighbor.

I like to check in when leaving or returning home, but I don’t want to constantly knock on her door and bother her. She has said she appreciates me looking in and will always give me a wave, but even with her blessing, it feels intrusive.

It is purely out of worry for her, as the last few years have seen her suffering from numerous health scares and diagnoses. More than once she has had a fall, or fallen asleep with a hot cup in her hand and suffered serious burns.

Her daughter visits almost daily, but has her own life and cannot be there 24/7. My neighbor knows I would do anything she needed; I have helped her with medications in the past, and have given her all of my contact information, just in case.

But I still can’t help feeling that taking a quick look into her living room when passing by is crossing a line, either in privacy or in etiquette.

GENTLE READER: If this neighbor has given you her blessing to check in on her -- and the alternative is her contracting burns and bruises -- Miss Manners considers you a good neighbor, not a nosy one. It is when this is done without consent -- or with the aid of binoculars -- that it crosses a line.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN